Talking All Things Death with Deb Martin from Death Cafe Nottingham

One of the things that drives us here at Tithe Green Natural Burial is the need to be more open about the subject of death. After all, it’s going to happen to us all, while the vast majority of us will also need to cope with the loss of a partner, close friend or family member at some point.

In that, we have a lot in common with the people involved at Death Cafe Nottingham, a group holding regular meetings at the city’s Waterstones store.

We caught up with Deb Martin, who founded the group, to talk about the importance of talking about death and the importance of eating cake while doing so.

What is Death Cafe?

Death Cafe is pretty much what it sounds like – a chance for people to get together to drink tea, eat cake and talk about death.

While you might think that you never need a good reason to eat cake, it actually plays an important part in the dynamics of the meetings. It’s always brought along because the act of sharing food is not only pleasurable but also brings people together.

The Death Cafe isn’t just a Nottingham thing, however – at the time of writing there have been almost 19,500 Death Cafes in 93 countries since the first one over 20 years ago.

What is the purpose of a Death Cafe?

The stated objective of Death Cafe is ‘to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives’.

There’s no agenda, no grief support and no counselling. Nor is there any intention to lead people to any conclusion, other than that it’s good to talk about death openly in an accessible and respectful space.

What is talked about is always prompted by the concerns brought to the discussion by those attending. It's also important that nobody attending does so with the intention of promoting any beliefs, products or publications. It really is just a friendly chat!

Death Cafe Nottingham

Nottingham’s Death Cafe group has been going for over six years and gets together every couple of months with 20 to 30 people usually attending. The group breaks down into smaller tables of seven or eight people to give everyone a chance to have their say in a non-pressurised atmosphere.

Deb – part of the Quaker Meeting House in Nottingham – had the idea to start a local group after attending a weekend course about funerals.

What is talked about is different each week. Recent topics have included funeral experiences (good and bad), people’s views or worries about dying, what people would like at their own funeral, powers of attorney and recent loss.

They have had people with life-threatening illnesses and people who work in hospice care. In contrast to what you might think, there is also a lot of laughter at Death Cafes.

How to talk about death and dying

Perhaps the most important aspect of Death Cafe is learning to talk about death openly. So how can we do that?

Deb says that just attending the Death Cafe is a great way to start – nearly everyone there will have started with exactly the same lack of experience! Meanwhile, the Church of England has its own version of Death Cafe called GraveTalk – which also includes cake as standard – and has produced a set of 52 cards containing questions that can help get a discussion started.

Just being able to understand that death is not only inevitable but also a shared experience can help us to approach the subject in a positive way. In fact, not talking about death can be far more damaging, because it can develop a barrier that can stop us from living our lives to the full.

You can find out when the next Death Cafe is taking place in Nottingham either on their Facebook page or on Waterstones’ events page. You’ll be able to sign up to a mailing list when you attend an event so that you’re always up to date with what’s going on.

If you want to talk about the many benefits of a natural burial, just get in touch with us here at Tithe Green Natural Burial. With environmentally-friendly sites at Ketton in Rutland, Markfield in Leicestershire and Oxton in Nottinghamshire, we’re here for those who understand that talking about death now can also be a positive experience for the planet.